“I wasn’t ready yet for church, but I was ready for God. And I’ve always believed that the ocean is one of the surest places to find Him.“- Shauna Niequist, “Cold Tangerines”
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I did find my way back to church. And I’m so glad I did. At some point you must go deeper than the waves. But… before I was ready for that. When I was craving the tender hold of a loving God… I came here. A big ol’ pregnant belly, a shattered heart…feeling lost and scared. I would swim in the sea. The salt in my tears joining the waves. Far out past the other searching souls, I would pray out loud. I prayed for the baby I was carrying. He felt foreign to me much of the time then. But when we were both being held in buoyancy, I really felt like his mama. It was as if, removed from the confines of the world, my soul could actually hold his and feel that deep maternal love.
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I also prayed that God would take the shredded scraps of my life that I was handing him in shame and sew them into something beautiful. Today, I sat on the sand and wept. Not in sadness but in overwhelming gratitude. In “I can’t believe you cared enough to save me even after everything I did” wonder and awe.
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I’m flawed in so many ways and make a myriad of mistakes on a daily basis. As long as I walk this earth, I’ll never be perfect. My faith is not empty behavior modification. But gradually my life began to change after that point. My problems didn’t miraculously disappear. My character didn’t suddenly change. But it was a turning point. The deep feeling of being saved from the wreckage is palpable and unlike anything else. The soul renewal that comes from saying out loud to God- maybe in the middle of ocean waves or in the quiet of your car or the darkness of your bedroom- “I don’t have the answers. I just know that I need you. Make me new. Save me. I want to do things Your way. Forgive me. Help me. I want a new life with You.”.
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There is nothing. Nothing. Nothing like that. You can search the world over for a substitute (I did). But nothing will feel like the comforting hold of redemption in a twisting sea.
Nothing, my friend. Nothing.
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Hebrews 11:6
John 20:31
Emmy Goulet 